I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You dont lie about slip and slides
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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