Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
