You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
