i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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