do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
