I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
