Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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