I think I won the penis lottery.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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