I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
