one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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