She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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