I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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