i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
