I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
