you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
