just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
