Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
