So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will be naked everywhere
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
