Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
