He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
