I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
