Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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