Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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