He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
