do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
