Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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