I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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