butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
