Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
