You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
