wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
