I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
