he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
NoShamevember. You game?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
