He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
