That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
