On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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