I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
