So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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