I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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