Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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