scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
