fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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