It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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