I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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