dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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