She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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