I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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