some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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