erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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