im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
